a guide to: apostrophe's

As it seems I'm not posting here much, I'm using that Twitter bilge (pretend I'm being ironic or something) to do quick updates and such. I despise it, yet I use it. What a hypocrite I am. Link is here.

Right, that's it. If you're above a certain age and you still don't know how to use apostrophes, then you're thick. I've just been through the hell of reading through a major apostrophe catastrophe, so now I'm going to explain exactly when to use these damn symbols. If you still get it wrong after reading this, then you should really think about dropping the written form as a method of communication.

When to Use Apostrophes

Contractions. Are you omitting one or more letters from a word? This includes multiple words that are being joined together with one or more missing letters. If so, then this is a valid use of an apostrophe (or more!).

Contraction Examples:

It's = It is; Don't = Do not; We've = We have; You're = You are; Weren't = Were not; Shouldn't've = Should not have; etc.

Possession. Does an item or thing belong to an entity, such as a person or company? If so, then this is a valid use of an apostrophe. The apostrophe goes directly after the entity's name and before the S (eg. Booty's Cockles & Winkles Shop). If there are multiple entities, then it goes after the S (eg. Grocers' Apostrophe; the apostrophe belongs to multiple grocers).

If you're using a plural form of a word such as People and Children as opposed to the singular forms of Person and Child, then it is treated as a single entity (eg. People's champion). Think about it for a second and it's fairly obvious why this is. I'm not helping you.

Possession Examples:

Bob's car = the car belongs to Bob. Opera's shit browser = the browser that Opera makes and is theirs. Also: shit.

Plurals of Abbreviations. This is technically valid in Fucked-Up Land, but don't do this. You'll look like an illiterate bell-end to people that do know about this rule as they'll (generally correctly) assume you used it because you don't know how it works.

When Not to Use Apostrophes

At any other fucking time.

Conclusion

That is it. If you think what you're writing requires an apostrophe but it doesn't fall under any of the rules above, then don't (do not) use one. You may think you're (you are) right, but you're human, and that means you're a moronic raving moron most - if not all - of the time.

"Wait, but if I say 'this is it's ball', then I'm saying that the 'it' is the entity, so that's correct?" No, it is not correct. Unless you use the entity's name directly, no apostrophe is used. If you insist on using one regardless, then you are wrong. Stop being fucking wrong!

Amazingly, there are native English speakers out there that cannot construct simple phrases such as "Should have", but instead write something like "Should of" - these people cannot be helped and are probably doomed to suffer from Grocers' Apostrophe for the rest of their lives. In addition to my hatred.

Posted: 2009-09-19 at 23:29:14,