Bit of a surprise, this one. Lidl have a huge freezer full of lobsters for sale, at £5 each. Sounded good, so we grabbed one.

Having previously lived in Grimsby, a fairly major fishing town famed for starring in adverts featuring singers with stupid accents, I was a fan of seafood and had tried most things. Most things except lobster; although I’ve had these weird lobster tail things that are textured white fish with lobster flavouring. Bit of a rip-off at £1 each, but they are pretty nice. As are cray fish tails, for that matter.

After leaving the lobster to defrost overnight, it was time to give the little bleeder what for.

The end of the tube-like packaging was cut open, and what seemed like the contents of an entire lake got poured into the sink. Oh. It’s not exactly the biggest lobster in the world, then. This probably turned out to be a good thing in the end.

I’ve seen lobster being prepared on TV lots of times, so I mostly knew what to do. Except for the head - what, exactly, are you supposed to do with the head of the thing? Nevermind! Time to hack this mofo up and see what fishy goodness lies within.

I unravelled its tail and flipped it over. Now, if I were to be honest, I’d have to say that I nearly shat my pants. I have a fairly major case of arachnophobia, so seeing what looked like the underside of a huge fucking spider wasn’t… pleasant. So I pulled the fucker’s legs off. Removing the mandibles was even worse as it had the same layout as a sp… spide.. thing, and they made a squelching sound. Ew.

The legless little tit was now looking like a big red mental sasuage sitting on the counter. Out came the freshly-sharpened knife and it was time for the main show; I was being watched, so I wanted to make it look like I at least knew what I was doing. Tip of the knife was rested just below its “neck”, thrust downwards, and then I shoved the rest of the knife down and split its back in half. Then I moved the knife towards its tailed, and did it again.

Hmm… back to its head again. Now what? Screw it, I’ll split that as I’m sure they do it on TV. Couldn’t remember, but crunch! Oh shit, that was a bad idea. Lobster brains. Wet, wet brains oozing on the marble chopping surface. I don’t feel very well. Why couldn’t I just have hacked the head off like a normal person? Well, it’s too late now. Note to self: need to buy some straws.

Knife gets put down, and I pull the lobster apart. Utterly disgusting. Do people seriously eat this crap? Every thing above where its tail starts does not look edible. It’s a mixture of body juices, red eggs, and fishy poo. I started to pick it apart like an awkward vulture and seperated the pieces. Removing the meat from each half of the tail was nice and easy and resulted in what actually looked like some nice meat. Everything else looked like the result of a baby-in-a-blender accident.

Off to the sink to wash the tail meat, come back, and decide the rest of this crap gets chucked out. Okay, time to take a bite of the tail. Eugh, eugh! Bad! Feeling queazy! No more! That’s enough of that, thankyouverymuch. Everyone else can have this - I ain’t touching it anymore.

So there you have it. Unless it’s pre-prepared somehow, lobster is really, really bad shit, man. The lobster claws were quite good as they just seemed to be a more saltly version of crab claws, but red and spikey.

Edit: Forgot to mention this originally, but with things like this - I will never, ever put sauce over it or use it as a mere ingredient as part of a bigger dish. You eat this kinda stuff (seafood, etc) to taste it, not the jizz that’s been slopped over it. I very often eat stuff on its own. And, frankly, that makes me awesome. 2HOT4U.

Incidentally, I highly recommend reading John’s comment below - it’s probably the best comment I’ve ever had. Read it, now. Right now.

Edit 2: It was actually pre-cooked after all.  Cooking it again probably would’ve turned it into a Goodyear tyre or summat.